I'm just standing there facing him.. The shame is almost too heavy on my head & i can barely lift my eyes, but i want to see his face. His expression makes me want to die but now i can't look away. I never deserved his concern in the first place and now i'm telling him any faith he had put in me I accepted greedily & then never used. One of the most precious gifts anyone has to give- left in the corner to rot.
I just told the person I admire the most that I've been lying to him and everyone else i care about for the past 5 months or so. I told him I'm not in school anymore...I couldn't register for the classes because I had a debt to the school. The debt came on from the previous semester when the financial aid didnt come through because i wasn't enrolled in enough credits. I sat there and freaked out but never fixed it. I told him I got fired. It was nothing complicated, I just had a problem showing up on the right days. I'd never been able to keep to a schedule for very long. I told him my parents disowned me. They cut me off after i told them everything for wasting so much of their time, money, and again, faith. I was expecting it though...yet still i just waited for it to happen...I'm also waiting to get kicked out of my student apartment, but didn't bother mentioning that part seeing as it hasn't happened yet. I told him i kept everything a secret because i thought if i could fix everything myself, no one would have to know. But i never fixed it. And now i'm confessing to him because the thought occured to me that i might be being prideful in my attempt to protect myself from criticism about my position. The last thing i want is to protect myself. i feel like I need to be mercilessly beaten so that i might snap out of whatever i'm in.
 But this is much worse. Never in my life have I felt so much shame and diappointment. This feeling is worse than wanting to die. I've been at the bottom before, and know what it's like to be struggling with the decision to live. It's worse because it's right here in front of my face. I can't get away from it. There isn't the choice of continuing or ending. There is just constant confrontation. He's looking down now. Probably too surprised and disgusted at who i actually am. I keep looking...waiting...
Finally he speaks. He asks if i'm fixing things now, and I lie instinctively with a yes. It's not that i dont intend on fixing things..it's just that i'm still assuming something will kick me in the ass and push me forward and force me to do what i need to...Can't i kick myself?
He tells me i shouldnt come see him anymore until i have figured things out and am on the right track again. That if I'm not going to try then I'm not worth any trouble. That's when i finally start to cry. But i feel better. I knew it would happen like this and maybe this is the push i need...So here i go...Off to fix things with the hope that after I become a stronger person, i might be forgiven for pissing everything good away.
In the morning i realize i still havet told anyone, not even my parents. I've imagined it so many times. And in every version it always turns out that i get things sorted out, whether the push is the sympathy or the contempt of my closest friends. I like to lean towards them turning against me though..because it just feels better.
Why do i need a push anyway? Can't i just do what i should? For god's sake i cant even tell anyone even when the outcome can only result in personal growth. Why am i crippling myself like this? Do i really enjoy self loathing?...A friend of mine thinks i do, and i had a hard time honestly denying it. I mean it sounds like a retarded idea, but i really cant think of any other reason i would do the things i do.
...To be continued or something- i cant think anymore...